Could it Be Another Change?
Updated: Apr 21, 2020
I’ve had and held two blogs in the past- both private because in these blogs I wrote about myself to make sense of myself, about music I loved, books that inspired me, and my general disgruntlement with the unholy rate at which technology is carving the “human” out of human beings.
These blogs started out as and remained private for these very reasons. The topics were ones that would put my opinions “out there”, and in turn make me more vulnerable to the stinging, unforgiving public eye. Stinging- in my head, unforgiving-in my head. There was also the fact that I found and still find everything pretentious. Talking about myself and the things I liked, and putting it out for the world to see just seemed like the most self-absorbed thing to do and for as long as I can remember, I’ve always actively tried to keep conversations about myself on the down-low and focus on the person in front of me instead. I don’t know what life experiences transformed me into a torchbearer for authenticity- if it was reading Catcher in the Rye at a very young, impressionable age where Holden Caulfield drilled into my spirit about how being a “phony” is the worst possible personality trait, or whether it was the fact that I was raised in a small, quiet household where unconditional love and healthy appreciation were doled out in abundance, something my little brother and I never had to crave; never said, but always felt.
Moving into my adolescent years, I quickly morphed into what is now considered to be the epitome of pretentiousness- a goddamn hipster. I think it was around 12th grade, when The Fault in Our Stars movie was announced, and people started taking note of the now mainstream book, that I very proudly announced to my best friend at the time, “I read TFIOS before it became cool.” And the rest, as they say, is history.
However, with my time at university, I slowly but surely learned that I don’t need to literally and figuratively scream at people in order to strongly associate with a certain way of thinking and behavior. I kept my distance from those who I viewed as loud and obnoxious fiends, made and retained friends who in hindsight, were exactly like me, and I never bothered myself with venturing into new social groups. I had my own little niche that I resided in- naive, but oh so happy. I was content with my own quiet way of just being.
Today, as I look back at my life in hindsight, I find that I managed to blow myself up into my very own filter bubble. I wrote off people who had contrasting ideologies and values as “annoying” and “not my cup of tea”. I had conjured up biases that I wasn’t even aware I possessed. And what I failed to understand then was that these supposedly loud and obnoxious people were just people at the end of it all, waiting to be heard. The biggest “why’s” more often than not, all boil down to a simple human truth. Take that technology. I now find my obsessiveness with NOT being pretentious extremely limiting and draining on my emotional, mental and professional well-being. Thus, I am starting this blog as an outlet to cut myself some slack and just be heard. It's what Holden would have wanted.